Yes we do have the power to change and I know that because I stopped for 7 or 8 boring years. I started drinking again about 6 years ago, and to be honest it's probably more boring. Drinking is a compete waste of time. The fact is I'm still a boring useless *****. I'm off visiting friends over our bank holiday weekend. Meeting a friend with a similar problem and the idea was not to drink. I thought yeah, let's go along with it. I don't know though. Bollocks to that I think. Can't let down my friend. Of course I'll let down my friend.
I'm so incongruous and ill fitting here. I come every now and again and say how I want to but I can't. I know I have to stop drinking - my black **** stinks . But, I think alcohol it gives me something. I don't believe it of course but it happens every day.
So, I was going off to visit friends - even I have friends - in London and was reminded that we agreed not drinking. My main friend is a coke user/drinker though he's not as bad as me but is trying to be clean. I can't stand that. I've got to get out of that visit.
I go to work and they all know about my drinking. I told someone and they told someone and they all know. I play it down but it's clear when I've been drunk the night before which is most of the time.
What I think is that I have something controlling me. I can give up myself but something controls me
and tells me that it's a great idea to drink. I'm not sane as regards alcohol. I guess that you all think the same. I can do it but I decide I don't want to. I want to drink even though I know it's wrong. Imagine looking at a pangolin - wonderful creature, hangs around in trees in South America I think. It's kind of monkey like. What I need is maybe a journey to some small deserted island. Maybe I can live somewhere, I don't know, some island inhabited just by puffins.
I think I need to get through a few weeks. The reason I gave up before in this 8 year period was because I'd been in a hospital for a month with meningitis. I remember coming out and amazingly having no wish to drink. I got so pissed up before having brain surgery. How stupid is that? It's quite stupid really. It's the ambition of a ******. I've given up on life but I've bought new pajamas.
The first night after release I went to some arty place where they had free wine and I remember not wanting it and feeling so liberated. I remember the amazing freedom. I was so liberating. Any drug is just an illusion. You create your need.
I need that frame mind again. Difficult though isn't it? I know what to do but what happens is a part of me tells me that's not what I want. I'm thinking that that's my alcohol voice. What a bastard. I need to realise that that's what it is.
The problem with the alcohol voice is it's baritone. I want something higher pitch, falsetto maybe. That's probably just an excuse to meet some women.
Anyway, back to life, back to reality. It's got to be one or the other. You know I nice glass of wine isn't possible. It's not even nice is it? Alcohol isn't nice. Drinking is like lying in a trough full of ****. If you drink you're climbing on to endless conveyer belt of misery.
I want to go to the island with the puffins.
I do think though that drinking orientates your mind in a different direction. It kind of gives you a creative slant on things. No one dances if they don't drink, unless that's not true.
Anyway, I've got this weekend dilemma to think about. To drink or not to drink. That is the disaster. Have a bit of willpower please.
here did I get this from? I mean gorillas don't drink. Neolithic man didn't drink. For a start they didn't have proper licensing hours.
I realise that I can always take refuse in solvent abuse but I know that I've got a certain reputation to maintain. I'm a classy guy.
I'm inebriated but I feel that I can pass on amazing wisdom that you can all share. Remember that for every chaffinch that comes into your garden someone dies. Think of that when you look out of your window. I had two beautiful goldfinches in my garden the other day and the very next day I won ten pounds on the lottery - coincidence?