For me the difference is that if my AH diagnosed with diabetes or cancer, I would not torment myself with the illusion that if I just understood it enough and said the right things, I could help cure him. Or worry that he would hurt me, be destructive, manipulate or lie so he could have his cancer or diabetes. Or try and make me believe the cancer or diabetes was my fault.
The bottom line for me is start with self compassion. One has to trust in oneself to be supportive and loving to oneself first, before any insights can be made or denial broken through.
Once I saw the reality of my life (very difficult and it came in bits & pieces) and came to fully accept I had NO control over another human, I began to detach & errect boundaries to protect my emotional & physical wellbeing as much as possible while still married. It is a process, but I choose to focus on what helps me to be healthy and happy, recovering myself from
the dysfunction of living with an active alcoholic and for so many years not understanding the enormity and destruction.
The question of choice for me right now is to make choices that are
healthy for me and only allow what is constructive and compassionate in my life. I can suggest that my AH get help, realizing that he may not want to, and that is his choice. He has done it several times before and is functioning at a level that he could again.