Thank you, Sasha, I appreciate how much you have been through and how hard you must have worked to get to the place you are now. I hope you have been getting the support you need both here and IRL.
Originally Posted by LifeRecovery
When I finally started to deal with my life it was because these maladaptive coping mechanisms were no longer serving me.....now they were not keeping me safe but were creating harm to me, and making me miserable......but it was hard for me to let go of what was known, familiar and had worked so well at one time.
I think I have seen this at work in my own life. The idea that something works--until it doesn't. That's when change can happen.
Originally Posted by LifeRecovery
Healing from addiction and codependency (which for me is also an addiction) was about regularly choosing that I was important and that self-care did not mean selfish.
This has been hard for me because I have certainly struggled with low self esteem. I have had the mindset of not being worthy of self-care. Many of us with Christian values believe that God is first, others next, self last. But that in no way means that we should allow ourselves to be abused and used up in helping others. Self care is important so that we can continue to help others--those that need, want, and ask for our help.
Originally Posted by aliciagr
Do you think there is a single answer to this for all family members and friends?
Heavens no! Addiction is very complicated. There is no one answer, but there are commonalities. I can't speak for anyone else, but I don't post only those experiences I've had that match what I have read from others here. I post my experience, and many here have been through the same thing.
My wish is that there were some way we could speak to and teach our children and grandchildren in order to help them avoid what we have suffered. But again, everyone has to make their own choice. Free will and all...
Originally Posted by aliciagr
Dont think Ive ever seen this question posed here. Its a really good one ! What do you consider to be controlling and manipulative? And do you feel that you were with your own family member, and if so - in what way? What impact did it have on you, your family?
I have been here for almost 9 years and have seen this discussion before. It is acknowledged by many recovering from their codie ways how controlling and manipulative and maladaptive our own coping mechanisms can become. One thing I have always believed is that we have to know our own limitations. For example, what if our addicted loved one becomes serious about recovery? What if they throw everything they have into meetings, counseling, if they not only talk the talk but walk the walk? After a year or more of true recovery, what if we still do not trust them at all? What if we are still anxious, angry, constantly questioning? Is it fair either to the recovering addict or to us to continue to torture one another? My own opinion is that it is not.
I come from a long line of controlling people. Early on as an adult, I recognized this in my family of origin (maternal side), and did not like it--but did not recognize it in myself. Later, thankfully, I did. My sister and mother, in particular, will ridicule my father and sometimes me, if we don't do what they think we should do. My sister and mother both give lip service to understanding that they cannot control what other people choose to do, but it still makes them very angry when the path chosen is not what *they* would choose. My sister and father and mother are sometimes not on speaking terms. I am far from perfect, but I am much better than I was.
Control is something I have written about on this board in the past.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...3-control.html
I have also written about my own journey from resentment to compassion.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ompassion.html
My own story is available to read in my past threads here.