Your story is inspiring. I know what it's like to watch someone kill themselves slowly. I had even said to my STBAXH, watching you do drugs is like watching you commit suicide slowly. I think the turning point for me, what separated us finally, was that he had had an accident from which we both thought he would never return, and I think has some sort of brain damage from it, I had said to someone that it was better if he died surrounded by people he loved than out on the street. The person I said this to said, "Open your eyes, Okatz, if you let him die in this house, what do you think you will have to do? You will have to call the police. You will be interrogated. If you let him die in this house, you will have a dead body here. Is that what you want? As long as he thinks he can live with you and not be responsible for his health, he will keep doing it." That and also, an entirely different person said: "Some people will end up homeless. They have mental health problems. They are addicted to drugs. That is just the way life is. It's sad but that's the way life is. Life is not a fairy tale. So you have to choose what life you want, you can choose to help someone that doesn't want to help themselves, or you can choose to look after yourself."
To the OP, I'm taking my life one day at a time, sometimes ten seconds at a time. One day at a time seems overwhelming so I just say: ten seconds at a time.
Originally Posted by
maia1234 
I always told myself that my axh would not die on my watch!! As I was such an enabler and i was helping "support" him, watching him slowly kill himself. Ugh!!
I was being dragged by my addict for 34 painful years. I was so mad at God for doing this to me and not helping me, help him. Once I accepted God's path for axh, and not my plan for axh, my life changed. I felt I knew more then God. I had a saying at my desk " God doesn't need my help, as he can take care of each and every addict who reaches out for his help." That was powerful for me. It taught me that it was not my job to save this man, I just was not strong enough. I believed in a higher power, because I had too. I had to believe that God has a path for all of us, and I had to get out of his way. He would never hit rock bottom if I was always laying underneath him and cushioning another fall.
My life calmed down after my "spiritual awakening". I very slowly moved a way from the codependency with him, and divorced him. I am a Survivor, and you will be too. I did do the work though. During my divorce I went to 2 open aa meetings and 2 alanon meetings a week, for 10 solid months, plus sr every night. I was very sick. But I am in a much better place today, loving life, and you will too. It is work, but you can do this!!! Hugs and take one day at a time my friend!!