I always told myself that my axh would not die on my watch!! As I was such an enabler and i was helping "support" him, watching him slowly kill himself. Ugh!!
I was being dragged by my addict for 34 painful years. I was so mad at God for doing this to me and not helping me, help him. Once I accepted God's path for axh, and not my plan for axh, my life changed. I felt I knew more then God. I had a saying at my desk " God doesn't need my help, as he can take care of each and every addict who reaches out for his help." That was powerful for me. It taught me that it was not my job to save this man, I just was not strong enough. I believed in a higher power, because I had too. I had to believe that God has a path for all of us, and I had to get out of his way. He would never hit rock bottom if I was always laying underneath him and cushioning another fall.
My life calmed down after my "spiritual awakening". I very slowly moved a way from the codependency with him, and divorced him. I am a Survivor, and you will be too. I did do the work though. During my divorce I went to 2 open aa meetings and 2 alanon meetings a week, for 10 solid months, plus sr every night. I was very sick. But I am in a much better place today, loving life, and you will too. It is work, but you can do this!!! Hugs and take one day at a time my friend!!