Thank you everyone for the very kind and wise words. I've started a new job out of town. I've been repeating to my self surrender and let go over and over. I have been journaling. I am going to attend alanon in the town I'm working.
I basically have decided that meant help I give her is hurting her. And myself. The longer we go without seeing each other the more numb I become. Not to say I don't have my moments.
Addiction is truly a progressive disease. It's gotten worse and worse and I need this darkness out of my life.
I am going to begin transitioning my life out of this town. I have 2 of my 4 rooms rented and will be renting a rhird, and stating with my brother an hour away until I can get enough cash to get to where my kids are. And the help I need is also there. I really actually have her to thank for helping me grow a pair and get the he'll out of this town that I have been trying to do for years but lacked the guts. The shame and darkness are so raw that its catapulted me to do what I know is right for my kids and myself. To heal and be near them. Sure I'm scared shitlrss, but it's better than being in this town alone watching the woman I loved destroy herself.
I will keep reading and posting. Thanks everyone