Originally Posted by
Seren 
So how can we best protect ourselves from the chaos, stress, and anxiety of active addiction? Some of us have spent years being affected by the addiction of our loved ones--staying involved because we don't think they could possibly be manipulative if they truly love us.
Do you think there is a single answer to this for all family members and friends?
One thing Ive realized as of late, particularly through this forum and reading many post and replies by other family members. We are not alike. Just because someone else is a family member doesnt mean they can understand me or my situation in totality, and provide the answers to me.
Maybe that is why there is so many posts talking about the dysfunction we see due to the symptoms of our spouse/child? (lying, manipulation, physical fear, anger, sadness, disappointment, etc) most of us have those experiences and can relate.
But how we cope, process emotions, how we interact with our partner or child, what we feel is ethically right, or medically/emotionally helpful to us, or even agreeing on what addiction is and talking about it - I dont see one shoe fitting all of us by any means. To me this also means, its about 100% unlikely that all people who have a substance abuse disorder can relate to one another in totality. Just something I have been thinking about these last couple days.
I will say in terms of manipulation and love. This was answered easily for me when the Psychologist I went to for help explained. It goes back to the brain, the symptoms of addiction, coping mechanisms to continue using, and often even an effort on their part to try to maintain their relationships (have the cake and eat it too). Love isnt a factor when a person thinks they need a substance to survive and function. Like someone drowning, in their frenzy they will pull down the person who jumps in to try and save them.
Of course there is also that group of people who - how to say it - are just not good people to be around sober, not sober, or having never touched substances.
Originally Posted by
Seren How can the addict attempting to recover protect themselves from the controlling and manipulative people that *we* can allow ourselves to become? People we don't even recognize anymore...
Dont think Ive ever seen this question posed here. Its a really good one ! What do you consider to be controlling and manipulative? And do you feel that you were with your own family member, and if so - in what way? What impact did it have on you, your family?
Originally Posted by
Seren How can we stop this dance before it becomes this "death spiral" in which both parties (regardless of the relationship) crash and whole lifetimes are lost to this struggle?
Just curious as to what you have been doing? Are you in Alanon, do you attend therapy, etc ? Have you ever had a sense of peace in regards to the situation?
I think evening out my emotions, getting clarity on the situation through education, leaning on my support system, knowing I have options, and looking at what results are coming from things I do for myself, and the "interactions" I have with my husband. Learning to communicate while he was using and while in early recovery stages has been challenging but very helpful and rewarding. A little bit of space has also helped when needed. So like a thermometer. This makes me feel good, safe, happy, brings me peace, or no it doesnt. My relationship is better, worse, and what kind of impact is it having on him, if any. Through what I see, feel, and what he tells me when I listen.