Hey guys....
Thank you so much for the posts. It helps me to know others understand and are going through similar things. I don't feel so alone in all of this. And, yes, we will get through this. Together.
So, my plumbing finally went out Tuesday and the plumbers couldn't come until 8 this morning. So, I have had to go to my neighbor's and the restaurant down the street to use their facilities. And never mind what I had to do in the middle of the night!! They also told me I couldn't use my water at all until things were fixed. So I have had no bathroom and no running water since Tuesday. And I can't even tell you guys how bad the bathroom was. There was brown, gross water and God knows what else that came up in my toilet and bathtub and flooded the whole bathroom. I shudder when I think about it. That was an unbelievable, smelly, disgusting mess to clean up. I'm really hoping they can get everything fixed today, cuz I'm hating this situation. I feel like I'm camping. But at home. SO stressful.
I honestly don't know how I'm staying sober right now. I truly want to give in and get wasted. But, I know it won't help, and, in fact, make everything worse. But, my brain won't stop. "Just one pill. Or two. And you'll be able to deal with everything so much better. You can worry about withdrawals and stuff after all this is finished. You NEED the pills to get through this." Oh man, shut up!!
It just seems like lately it's been one thing after another. My refrigerator broke and had to be replaced. My ongoing teeth issues and the dentist going on vacay and leaving my mouth a bad mess. My tablet broke, the mixer broke, the phone is going out, the music player broke, the plumbing all pretty much broke, etc., etc., etc......There are other things too. It's just been a huge cluster **** around here for a while. And I am angry and pissy and resentful about it. Why couldn't some, or all, of this happen when I was using?? Why did it all have to happen now?? When I am trying to get, and stay, clean and sober?? I feel drained trying to manage triple withdrawals and all the chaos in my life at the same time. I want to go back to bed again and hide under the covers for forever, but I can't. Life goes on with or without me and it doesn't matter if I feel I can handle it or not. The universe cares not at all. Things just are. And I can either get with the program or get left behind. But, I am tired and ready to give in and use. I just can't seem to actually do it. I've come so far, and I don't want to go through this again. I can't go through this again. And yet, I get stressed out to the max, and that's exactly what I do.
So, this is my trial by fire, I guess. Or water, in this case. I am a glass half empty kinda gal, but I am trying opposite thinking. See if it works. If I tell myself that all the drama is so I can learn firsthand how to deal with bad stuff when it happens instead of running away to the pharmacy, then my brain will get used to dealing with things sober. Like exercising a weak muscle over and over again until it can function on muscle memory even when you haven't used it for a while. I hope you guys get what I mean. I know what I mean, but I am having a hard time finding the words to explain it. I hope things didn't come out too confusing!!
Okay, I guess I'm done for now. The plumbers are out digging up the driveway right now, so I should go see how things are going. I hope everyone is doing okay and having a lovely and sober Friday!!
Love you guys.