Exabf called tonight, it really caught me off guard, but I didn't answer my phone!!
Not sure why he would call. I'm sure it was because he was drunk, as it is 2:30 am where he is at.
Maybe I'm slowly getting a little better...who knows?? It just rips my heart out to know he is calling, and that I cannot take his calls.
On the otherhand though, I think I'm going through another stage of grief. I think I have possibly come to terms with that fact that the old person I once knew is now gone. Somehow, my thinking has really changed, in the sense that I don't think about him as one person; I now think of him as the "person that I once knew." I don't like the person he has become, I don't want to be with that person; the disease has taken him away from me, and now when I think of him, I only think of the sober guy that was once kind, loving and gentle. I don't think of him as he is today; only of the way he used to be. I know in my head as well as my heart, that I could never have with him now, what we had together when he was sober. Maybe in talking with him recently has helped me to see the way he truly is now. Like someone in AA said.."It's not him that acts that way, it's his disease."
Maybe this stage is acceptance, although I'm afraid that maybe tomorrow, or maybe next week I will start missing him again, and be back to the sadness part of the grief stage; that stage I hate!!
I hate this disease...I really do.....