I was relying on willpower.
I was analyzing my triggers to be able to recognise and act.
So all of my attempts at quitting have failed. And eventhough the last 20, 50, 100 or 1000 times i drank or took drugs had horrible and disastrous consequences i ended up doing it again. Eventhough i have said to myself this time will be different over and over.
Its not the drink or drug its the way my mind thinks and the way my thinking and mind are addicted to the world with the drink and drug. So my mind just allows itself to take the bad decision and to do the wrong thing. Its just so easy at the time. Well its the way we have trained ourselves to think.
I spent alot of time the last week reading, putting things in place to really change. Meeting people, contacting people in recovery and contemplating sober muscles. So that this time it isnt different its a completely new me.
I feel like taking the right decisions from now on.
Sober since not very long. And 41 years old tomorrow.
Vinny.