Originally Posted by aliciagr

I think the topic of "choice" as its related to substance abuse will be answered in varying ways and is dependent on a individuals personal beliefs about addiction and recovery. When my husbands addiction was out of control I began seeing a Dr who specialized in addiction medicine, and I found it the best resource for me.

The whole idea of "choice" is tossed about a lot on this family forum. I think it creates a lot of anger in family members when they think someone is choosing to drink or use drugs. Which in turn means they are also choosing to exhibit the negative behaviors we are often exposed to. They are choosing to experience negative consequences like job loss, health issues, deteriorating relationships, legal trouble. Kinda hard not to be angry if a happy, stable home and family are set aside for someone opting to go down that road.

After doing a lot of Family Therapy with my husband, I believe when he started experimenting with substances it was part social/peer related as he was a teenager. There was no substance abuse in his family, but there was other dysfunction. He learned to cope with/avoid emotions by using substances and this blossomed when he was in college and it was a widely accepted behavior. But at one point, he had a severe negative consequence and he was able to stop at that point. For years... That is when our relationship developed.

But last year, when he started again.. it was again related to his emotions, coping mechanisms. But I truly feel the window of time where he was able to recognize negative consequences, had the ability to make changes on his own and stop the behaviors and the drug and alcohol use was very small. He lost control, and I believe it all happened in the brain. It was not lack of willpower, or his choosing a year of crazy disastrous events. This is where the Dr was able to help me understand. And while I wont get into this topic because its one that often brings on debate.. I can only say seek professional advice and learn about addiction.. I dont call it a disease... but I understand the medical concept because while addicted the brain function and pathways are altered, and it continues to change while the chemicals are flooding the brain. When the substances stop, then in most cases the brain will heal, new pathways will be developed over time.

But getting from one point to the other is really hard, and why so many people relapse. Others may say its a choice... they didnt want to change bad enough.... to me, its not that simple.

Think about this... do you know anyone overweight.. who eats to soothe ? Who says they want to lose weight, and tries but doesnt have much success? Im not even talking about food addiction.. but just slight behavior modification.. its hard and there are a lot of psychological and emotional components involved. Its just that the negative consequences, dysfunctional behaviors dont affect others as much.

It helps me put it all in perspective , helps me understand as family we often see many of the same "symptoms" when dealing with addiction. The guilt, shame, need to protect the addiction, the lies, warped thinking, watching the deterioration...

The professionals Ive dealt with say while negative consequences are important in promoting desire to change, but its not something you can rely on because the brain isnt processing these events normally at certain stages. People often need help.. and they need help to get the proper help. Its not one size fits all, at least from what I was advised.. and what I believe.

I helped my husband get help... Ive been criticized for it on this forum. Told it showed I was codependent and enabling him. LOL I dont care what people think, or what their beliefs are.. I had professional support back then and I have no regrets over that part. He was a mess, and needed help to stop. After ceasing substances he began to heal, could think more clearly, and began to have more control, reason and make better decisions. But he still needed support through his therapist, and his family. (he did not use 12 step support groups).

I HAD CHOICES ALL ALONG. I didnt have to go along for the journey. In our case, we had no children. I could have provided for myself, I have family support. I made unhealthy choices for myself in the beginning because this was something I never faced before. It was new, filled with emotions, fear, and my husbands behavior was something I had never experienced. I shut out my family because I was ashamed primarily. That was a huge mistake. I also stayed in the house with my husband when he was unstable and ended up being physically abused. I should have seen the instability and sensed the danger and left.. I did that finally when he was still in the depths of addiction. I turned to the wrong people - his dysfunctional family who made things worse due to their own coping skills... the one saving grace I had was finding professional help because I needed it to sort things out for myself.

I am separated from my husband temporarily again. He did a lot of damage when he was on his run and its taking time to rebuild the trust, and time for us both to process what happened and heal. Im not angry at him anymore.. I have compassion for what he went through, and Ive seen how coming to terms with it all has been incredibly painful for him. I dont think he is "pickled" and now damaged goods. He is human, has his own set of emotional, behavioral, psychological, medical issues... as do I.

I have choices and always have.. I am responsible for monitoring my own happiness. Im responsible for seeking help if I need it for my emotional, mental, physical health. Im soon to be a parent, and will be responsible for making sure my child has a healthy and happy home life, Im responsible for trying something new if what Im doing isnt working.