I am struggling with this too. I think you deserve more. You deserve to see what could happen if you committed yourself fully to your recovery. You are already successful it sounds like - how much MORE successful could you become if you operated these less healthy behaviors out of your life? Do you exercise regularly? I am at one week right now.. and it is so hard. Your body hurts and you feel anxious. You sleep poorly. But I have faith things will get better, they must get better, they will get better - if I keep with it. You found yourself here for a reason. How long is this lifestyle maintainable? I understand the shame of knowing you are so much better. Listen to the voice within yourself that wants to change. Feed the right wolf.