Why can't I let go.. Why??
I am like the addict. Chasing a dream that is not there. She chose drugs. Heroin, meth. Her existence is wrapped up in it and she is fine with that on the outside.
I have problems. Extreme co dependancy, consumed with obsession. Try to go no contact, but I seek her like drugs.
I need help. No where in my small town to get it right now.
I have never been so alone. No friends, no family, no support. Just me and my thoughts. My head tells me one thing, then my compulsion I give into and seek her, knowing the outcome everytime.
I do not know who I am. I just know I am hurting. Of all the failed relationships, loss, hurt, why is this the greatest? Why cant I be like everyone else and accept she is an addict, and that I only have my own life to control. Why do I feel this way when she surely doesnt give me the same.
How do I start to heal and move forward when I am gripped with so much fear. Why cant I stop contacting here when I know its toxic, and that she has no control over her addiction and its her fight, and that all hope is lost. I cant do anything for her but enable her.
I have read and read and read, each story here, so many. There is no hope.
Things are the way they are, not how I want them to be.
I have no control, I am powerless over her addiction.
Why do I know these things yet still hope and pray and try to change the outcome??
For the first time in my life I fully walk alone. No other woman for validation, no sticking this pain deep down and justifying my actions, saying whatever and just moving on.
I need help. Bad, but just dont know where to start. How do I let go. I know I need to, but I love her like no other.
Please help me figure out how to move forward through the sweaty sleepless nights, the nightmares, the anxiety that cripples me. To stop obsessing day and night from dawn till dusk and in my dreams.
To let go and do what I need to save myself once and for all.
To give up on the dream of what our lives should be.
To allow her to jpurney through her addiction as she sees fit.
To begin to grapple my problems.
Ive been through hell. This is the worst. Never have I loved like this. Never have my dreams been so shattered.
Thank you for reading.