New and so lost
Hi everyone!
I am so lost right now, I don't know which way to turn and I am praying that reaching out to a community that has been through the same type of situation will give me the strength to actually go through with this and not run back to him like I always end up doing.
My husband is an alcoholic and a heroin addict (I am 3 years sober from heroin addiction myself). He went away to prison and came out and things were going great until he started using and drinking again. I kept begging, pleading, arguing, A little over a week ago he got completely wasted and did as many drugs as possible and was so verbally abusive towards me that I walked out the door and left. I am blessed that I was able to call my family and say "I need to get out of here" and I was able to hop on a plane and go back to my family home.
I am so conflicted right now, from the second I walked out the door I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Everyone that runs into me comments on how I look so much happier and just better overall (even though I haven't even been gone a week). The problem is I just cannot picture myself never speaking or seeing him ever again. I just cannot fathom a life without him in it, even though the life that I would have if I stayed would never be the life that I know I deserve. I am 25 years old, I want to be able to have a family and live a normal life! I struggle with "if I could get sober so can he". I hate this so bad. When he is sober he is the most amazing man I have ever met, but when he drinks or uses he is so emotionally abusive that sometimes I swear I am in a health class movie showing kids what emotional abuse is. If I said hello to someone I was sleeping with them, if a number calls the phone he didn't know I must be secretly talking to someone, if I use the internet he would check the history to see every move I made, if he wanted something done I had to do it instantly or he would claim I didn't love him, etc.
I have given up everything for him. I no longer have a car because he totaled it, I do not have a job because he is so jealous and controlling and my credit is ruined. Thank God I was able to move back home 12 hours away from where we were living together.
I know I did the right thing leaving but it kills me to know I will never see him again. I am starting off at square one and it is making me so depressed. I should have a whole life established by now but instead I have nothing. Urgh.
Thank you for reading!