I also lapsed a few weeks ago and felt helpless. Was in a very dark place. The mind is such a powerful thing especially when there isn't much clarity going on due to the poison we consumed.
Try (and it's not easy) to talk positively to yourself. Your inner conversation needs to be affirming and kind, not negative.
Every time you feel helpless and utterly depressed, talk to yourself positively. You are not a bad person, not evil, or a psychopath, you have an illness and an addiction. You can get through this rough patch. You will get through it as you have proven already that you can stop.
Be kind to yourself hun, you are worth it!