Relapsed , incredibly regretful.
So I've posted here a couple of times already. I was already Sober and clean for about 7 months, was finally getting my life back together. Started running again and was training for a marathon... When i relapsed about 3 and a half weeks ago . It started with a casual dose of heroin every couple of days, and last weekend i went on a binge of alcohol + heroin + some random party pill(dont remember) . It all happened so fast, i felt like it was a day but a whole week had passed by. I dont remember so much of it but my parents found me outside of my apartment passed out in the stairway. I woke up the next day, ran out of my house and got ********* again. Woke up the next day to the shakes and a horrible headache . It was the first time in a long time that i've felt like that, my body demanded for more alcohol or heroin. Spent the next couple of days in complete misery and amnesia, i also started having some mild hallucinations through the night and it was just so horrible. I have not felt like that since my last time in rehab back in August 2016 when i was withdrawing from a bunch of things. Parents just had a talk with me and i broke down completely and even more when they told me things like " Why did god curse me with you? , and " you've not done 1 good thing for the family, you have only brought us down " . The sad thing is whatever they say is completely true. Im 19 years old, and i have not accomplished anything in my life. I dropped out of school when i was 15 because of drugs and alcohol. Went back to school a bunch of times but couldn't handle the stress and the anxiety and depression and went right back to drinking and smoking H . Got a job and lost it ( twice) .
I feel so hopeless right now. my parents locked me in the house so i wouldn't go out and score some or drink. I'm blessed with a family that still gives a **** about me, but why did i end up this way? . Why is it i wake up every single day wanting to die or get high . I'm sorry if this was too much to read or if i was blabbering , but i honestly feel hopeless and suicidal again after a long time . I know that i should get help etc, but i already have! , i've been admitted to a psych ward (twice) , and been to rehab. My parents paid everything for me. They can't afford to do it again. The way my mom just talked to me , its as if they just want me to go ahead and kill myself. i dont know what to do anymore.