Welcome. I'm glad you found us. This is such a supportive forum.
Those feelings of shame and self-loathing can act like chains. Holding us where we are. Your wife is right of course - the way to mve past these feelings is to move forward. But that is easier said than done for those with an alcoholic mindset.
For me personally the answer to working through all those feelings and memories was a 12-step program worked with a sponsor through AA. It has been an amazing journey, and the freedom it has brought me is beyond anything I would have hoped for or dreamed possible. I used to think that AA was just for 'low bottom' drunks - I couldnt have been more wrong. In my meetings are plenty of professionals. Surgeons, teachers, academics, solicitors counsellors, as well as scaffolders, gardeners, grandparents, stay-at-home mums, jockeys and even a blacksmith (yes, we still have those!!) Alcoholism does not discriminate.
Others will no doubt share how they worked on this area.
Anyway. Again, welcome to the forum. I hope you find the strength to making your last drink you LAST drink, and join us on the road of recovery and sobriety.
BB