Originally Posted by herculana

I am probably grieving.

But whatever it is, i am sad.

I keep wanting to drink every evening. Ive made it a week. But there is very little joy in it. I am putting on a happy face. Faking it til I make it.

But I cant make myself do some things that need to be done. I know I will feel better if the house is clean. But I can't do it.

I am walking my dog 3 times a day. Giving her enough exercise.... and the respect she deserves. (when hungover, I could only manage one or two walks a day, sometimes NO WALKS in a day! and the guilt was horrible) She is 15 years old. It feels GOOD to show up for her in her last years. Shes miraculously healthy and fit. She deserves me to honor this miracle of youth that she is. To not allow my own addiction to shorten her otherwise miraculously youthful and long life. She needs the consistent exercise that she is clearly designed for.... the exercise that her body refuses to stop preparing her for.

So, thats a GOOD THING in sobriety. My consistent very good and healthy caretaking of HER LIFE. (right in this moment, as I weigh that gift against drinking, I feel far less tempted to drink. Good to know. Must highlight and put in tool kit).

Thomas had two episodes last night and today. Todays episode (delusional state of mind) was the worse of the two. I told him to go drive (he's an Uber driver, as well as other things) and come back when he gets his head straight.

A relationship with Thomas (the very best relationship Ive ever had) means accepting that these episodes are going to be a part of my life... Likely for the rest of our lives... if we stay together that long. They are not fun, but they arent nearly as bad as the awful behavior of the other men Ive dated.

Funny, but true. Funny that a guy with a serious mental condition is better than all the others were. Very ironic.

So... Thats also going on right now... and I guess it doesnt take much for the wind to get knocked out of my sails these past two days.


The thing is... overall, life is better now than its been in ... um... GOSH... almost 20 years!

I was riding a rollercoaster for so very long. Every aspect of my life was a rollercoaster (and I also managed to fit in lots of joy, growth and bliss during those 20 years... it was certainly not all bad... it just was never very stable).
My mother was mentally ill and homeless (which caused a haunting and constant heart ache and worry). My relationships were mostly long term, but also mostly GOOD TIME PARTY GUYS, probably alcoholic (a couple of them FOR SURE) and those were always gut-wrenching rollercoasters.
Jobs were always really hard, and I was never the right fit for any of them, always insecure, Money was always, also, a rollercoaster... no security whatsoever. A few times I was nearly homeless.

Now in my life Ive reached a great place of inner security. I know I am worthy. I know I am human, and I find my humanness relatively easy to forgive and even love... though its still DEEPLY frustrating at times.


I have all the beautiful clothes Ive ever wanted, a gorgeous, sweet, financially stable, and generous boyfriend who is THERE FOR ME.

I have two of the sweetest animals on the planet in my care.

I have the security of money (we are not by any standard well off, but it feels like we are after so many years of being seriously dirt poor) and enough food now... First time in easily 20 years that I can say that.

My writing seems to be taking off, and at exactly the right time, and at exactly the proper pace for me to sink into this new reality with confidence and calm.

There is so much to be grateful for, and I truly am grateful, every single day. Every day I thank my lucky stars to BE HERE.


But I certainly have more work and processing when it comes to my health and my sobriety... and that feels big and heavy and overwhelming, ever since my relapse.


So... Thank you for listening. <3