Sasha1972

I've just had a curve ball in the ongoing parenting issues with ex and am trying to figure out how I feel about this. I know I should not be focusing on HIM and what HE DOES, but I'm working through my own feelings, so my actions won't be too clouded by emotion.

Here it is - apparently ex is in the process of transitioning to live as a woman. I had noticed that he had started wearing nail polish and feminine-looking jewellery at the last few exchanges but didn't think much of it (other than midlife-crisis fashion experimentation). However, friend-of-friend told me ex has said he considers himself a transgendered woman, and this was confirmed by a couple of sources.

I should pause to say I have no issues whatsoever with transgender. I have trans friends and coworkers, and my dearest friend's daughter came out as her son a few months ago. Trans identity in and of itself strikes me as neutral, neither a good thing nor a bad thing. And if trans people are able to live more authentically by changing their gender presentation, that's all to the good.

Nonetheless, this twist takes me completely by surprise. I was with ex for 25 years without a hint that he wanted to live as or explore being a woman. There's no part of me thinking "ah, okay, I should have seen that coming". Apparently the new meth girlfriend is on board with her boyfriend becoming her girlfriend.

I should also note that ex has not said anything about this to me directly - this is all coming from other sources. He has told people in his workplace that he plans to return to work as a woman (if he returns to work at all). I have no idea what he's told Kid, but given his tendency to overshare I'm sure she's picked something up. (And she's bound to notice that her father wears more jewellery and makeup than her mother).

Alcoholism doesn't cause transgender or vice versa, but it still strikes me as alarming that ex may be embarking on this huge process while still actively drinking. There's nothing I can do about it, and he has the right to live as a woman if he wants to, but I'm also thinking "this could be another train wreck". I don't mean a train wreck because trans people are train wrecks (I have personal experience that tells me otherwise), I mean a train wreck because this is a huge, seemingly out-of-the-blue life change for someone whose ability to manage change and stress is not high.

Plus of course - what's wrong with me that I was married to someone who was not who I thought he was in terms of gender as well as in terms of addiction and substance use, and I didn't even notice?