Wow, you are all so good at this. Seeing through it and calling it as you see it. It feels harsh sometimes, but I deeply appreciate the directness. With directness, it gets to the issue and the quicker there, hopefully the healing gets underway.
I have been with him for nearly 7 years. Met him in high school, each married someone else and had our families. Both now divorced and many many years later met up and started to date. He was a refreshing change at first. There were many red flags but easily provided excuses for, as his x was mentally ill (mutual friends confirmed). It wasn't until he moved in that the issues became more difficult to hide and the anger increased as did the volatility. He can be the sweetest guy ever and then turn on a dime and call me names for hours, cruelty that I never knew anyone was truly capable of. He has taken every vulnerability of mine and used as a weapon. (I read this and wonder why I have stayed at all, if I was reading this I would wonder why this lady is so crazy to stay)
He is relationship dependent, doesn't like to be without a partner. He has cheated and it was devastating to me. Never thought I could get passed this and honestly really haven't.
Okay, now this will sound extra crazy.( If I don't say it, I'll just remain in denial myself so here goes.).......I blame the drinking on things and somehow have it in my mind that without the drinking he will be different. He has anger issues to resolve as well. If he stays drinking, I can't trust him and don't know if he'll cheat again and all other verbal abuse and misery. If I leave him, , he'll surely find someone else that will be with him. When I came into his life, his last girlfriend had kicked him out and months later I found lots of abusive texting to her. I fear the pain of retaliation and throwing other woman in my face. Or maybe this time he'll make it, tired of losing relationships over this, finally wake up and I'll perhaps feel like I did all this work by staying and just didn't hang in long enough... Ok, there I said it.
I really am trying to get over this. This is why I'm baring it all to this forum. I know I need guidance. I've spent too much time dealing with this, trying to make of this, trying to fix this. I truly don't want this anymore.... just having such a challenge getting over this hurdle and truly letting go. Thanks for your words !!!!!