Hello, I'm here because I am at a total loss about where to turn or where to get advice. Sorry in advance for the length...
I have been with someone for the last 3 months who suffers from social anxiety and depression. Over time it has become apparent to me that his drinking isn't healthy and that he is self-medicating his depression with alcohol. I've noticed wine bottles in his room from evenings I know he's been home alone, sometimes he doesn't remember conversations we've had and he needs a lot of alcohol to cope with any social interaction. He has also told me in the past that he 'has a problem with alcohol' and that he used to just binge for days, not go to work and isolate himself by sitting in his room drinking until he'd pass out and then carry on the next day. Whilst that worried me I thought that because he was in therapy, as he felt better in himself, that the alcohol would become less of an issue - I know how much of an idiot I must sound right now.
I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me because he's 6 days into a binge and I have no idea what to do. On Sunday night he called me threatening suicide, I rushed over and he was passed out. He woke up and kept on drinking whilst we spoke. He fell asleep and woke up at 3am and had more beer, fell back asleep and then carried on drinking in the morning. I naively believed he was going to be fine after hours of him telling me he would be - 'I don't need monitoring, I'm going to just recover quietly by myself, its under control' - and left. That was Monday and he's still there, still drinking, still hating every fibre of his being.
The goalposts move every day. He promises tomorrow he'll go back to work, tomorrow I'm going to sort this out etc etc and not having seen this before I spent days believing him, trying to support him and listen to him. He swings between defensiveness and pushing me away saying things like 'this is just who I am and you don't understand' to apologies and 'I know its bad but its just 'a phase''. He has a therapist for his depression but she is on holiday, he lives in a shared house with (nice) strangers and his family aren't fully aware of whats going on. His dad is also an A so that complicates their ability to help him. I am the only person he is talking to and I am exhausted and overwhelmed. I suffer from depression and anxiety as well and whilst I have been in a good place for some time I know that I am not robust enough for this.
I think I've done all the things you aren't supposed to do - I've tried reasoning, I've said how its made me feel, I've gotten angry. I'm worried I'm making things worse not better. I feel trapped, as if I might as well be in that room with him because it feels like nothing else matters until he pulls himself out of this. I feel like I'm willing hours to pass because it is another day over and hopefully another day closer to this ending.
At this point, whilst I really care a great deal about this guy - I'm crazy about him - I also know this is dangerous territory for me. I have strong tendency to need to help and heal and I have lost myself entirely in a narcissistic relationship in the past. I'm worried about my capacity to handle this and so ultimately think I will have to step away. I'm scared to do that now whilst there is no one else there fore him. He's currently ignoring my messages (see: I did the wrong thing and got angry. I have apologised) which on the one hand is almost a relief, on the other its really concerning.
How long do binges like this last? I've only read about withdrawal as an issue since coming on here and now I'm terrified of him being seriously unwell alone. I have 1001 worries and questions I haven't stopped feeling panicked since Sunday. I've never dealt with this before and I don't know what to do to help him but protect myself.
Any help or advice will be so appreciated
