Originally Posted by Felixa

Good day everyone. I am a 25 year old mother of two beautiful little girls with one more on the way. I recently married the most amazing man in the world, my savior and inspiration. You would think with all of this positivity around me I would be able to fight my addiction, but I haven't. I have had a rough upbringing. My father abandoned me at 2 my mother was in and out of jail and I suffered many years of physical and mental abuse. Once a honor student and lovable child I grew bitter. Couldn't make any friends growing up as I was constantly moving from home to home, my mother depending on the next man to support us. Only stability I had is when I was with my grandparents. I grew to be out of control emotionally, outbursts at school, suicidal thoughts and constant sleepless nights fighting nightmares. Long story short ALL of that changed when at 17 I became pregnant with my now 8 yr old daughter. Her father too was abusive but I kept on a good path with her in my best interest. Approx 4 yrs later still being young I went through a partying phase that was ongoing for years. I would drink to the point of blackout. My daughter was in safe hands. Got into another abusive relationship, he tries to help me quit but he was so degrading and negative, both of my exes loved to remind me what a piece of **** my family was and how I would amount to nothing.....I finally got away from him. I cut back drinking a lot when I met my now husband. We planned our daughter and I was sober before during and after pregnancy with her praise the Lord. Life has been great my children and husband are such positive influences and they make me strive to do better. I recieved unconditional love and affection...but then just 4 months after my 2nd daughter was born I relapsed and kept binge drinking on and off since (she is now 11 months) during this time we conceived girl #3 but had no acknowledgement until I was already 16 weeks. I have nightmares constantly, I wake up my husband crying in my sleep, depression has worsened. I have such a hard time forgiving my alcoholic parents and the horrible life I once lived that I'm allowing it to destroy the amazing life I have now. I have seeked medical attention and had several tests ran, baby looks and is doing great. But now at 19 weeks I keep having relapses. I managed to stay liquor free for two years my weakness is wine, but in binge amounts. I am seeking help, and reassurance that my child will not suffer for my selfishness. I'm trying my hardest to remain strong and avoid alcohol, triggers are so strong and forthcoming. I have approx 1 binge a week I don't drink everyday and the most I have ever drank was a full bottle to myself. All I drink is red wine, but I need to stop! I don't want to slip up anymore. Please can anyone relate, give advice, reassurance anything. And please I beg you no negativity, I've had enough of that my whole life. Thank you for your time.