Where was I?
Where was I?
I was in a fine, fine place, to outward appearances. The boxes were checked: house, family, job, travel. I looked exhausted and haggard, maybe, but everyone thought it was due to motherhood and a high-stress job.
But inside, I was filled with such self-shame, and in such a cycle of lies and exhaustion, so depressed--so, so, so depressed!--that SR was the only thing that gave me even the slightest bit of hope.
I never thought I could become an actual alcoholic. E.V.E.R. I knew alcoholics. I saw them. I grew up in a place where it was perfectly acceptable to get drunk before getting a driver's license. It was almost a badge of honor to be drunk and stay drunk-- in my hometown, most jokes swirl around drunken antics. The dark truth--? I always thought myself a little better than those people. Now I know--I'm not better. I'm worse, because my "holier-than-thou" attitude stood in the way of me recognizing the hole I was falling into. And now I also know that alcohol is a great equalizer-- when drunk, there isn't anyone who is better, smarter, stronger, more successful, or any other superlative, actually. A drunk is a drunk.
I stumbled across SR on my first attempt to get sober. I was trying to search for withdrawal symptoms for alcoholism and found SR. I was fascinated and instantly overwhelmed (in a good way) with all the support and honesty here. After a week, though, I stopped reading posts, because, after all, I'd gone a week without a drink and felt it was okay to start up again. Cue the downward spiral.
Fast-forward a couple years, and here I am again. This time, though, scared and honest with myself for the first time, I actively sought SR-- "Where was that site that supports alcoholics in an online community format?"--and have relied on it through the horrible days of withdrawal, through the first tip-toes toward a potential new life, and now through trying to re-discover who I am.
Grateful.