It was sooo mind boggling to me as to
why drinking "just wine" would cause
me so much emotional, physical, spiritual,
physcological pain. I mean, it was just
wine, just like you shared.
I loved my beautiful red wine in a
crystal stem glass, so elegant, so
sophisticated, so alluring, intoxicating.
Yet, in time, a beautiful glass of wine
just didn't get it for me any longer. Why
would I make so many trips to the refrigerator
for my poison, wearing myself our.
I then switched to those big plastic red
stadium cups to hold so much more than
those pretty crystal glasses of mine.
I was a stay at mom of 2 little ones
while my husband went to college and
worked full time. Being responsible
for 2 was my everything along with
my pretty poison.
At night I found an outlet to allow
me to leave the house while my
husband babysat the kids. An outlet
to the clubs where music, men and
poison flowed.
Several night or I should say wee hours
of the morning id roll in intoxicated and
my husband would be so angry with me.
He was the normal half of our marriage
with no addiction. So for him to see me
in the state I was in caused arguments.
One night I was on my way home and
hit a notch cut out in the road where
some construction was going on less
than a mile from our home and flew off
running smack dab into a concrete
culvert sitting on top the ground.
Thank God a deaf man saw the accident
and summoned help for me. I don't remember
them cutting me out of the mangled car
nor remember my one and only ride in
the EMS truck.
Family was called and met me at the
hospital in the wee hours of the morning
to a sight I'm sure wasn't pretty to
see or remember at all. I was pretty
messed up with numerous broken
ribs, bones, contusions, a punctured
spleen and lung....just a mess.
That incident was in Feb 1990 where
I spent 10 days recovering in the hospital.
The next few months I healed nicely
with no alcohol because of the meds
I was on.
Come August, the urge and cravings
were so strong that I ventured out
once again, same place, same ride
home, safely this time yet another
argument and off to bed I went after
I called it quits in my mind and heart
to end this craziness and failure as a
wife and not having control over my
drinking.
I had had enough. I was tired and just
want the madness to stop and end, so
I downed a hand full of pills left over
from my accident not thinking about
the consequences that would follow
my actions.
Kids tried to wake me with no success
until I heard a faint ringing of the phone
next to my bed. It was my MIL but to this
day believe it was my HP, God of my
understanding calling me.
I answered the phone with slurred voice,
grogginess hearing my MIL yelling at me
to get up. I did and got myself to the bathroom
to throw up all I had in my system.
As the day progressed, my husband returned
home from work to try to take me to the
hospital to have my stomach pumped but
I fought him with every ounce of strength
I had to ward him off.
No sooner I realized I was finally alone,
I was greeted by my IL's and husband
along with authority, 2 officers to escort
me to their car and taken to the hospital
for evaluation for my state of mind.
I passed my family with daggers in
my eyes, hatred in my voice in disbelief
that they had to call for help.
Today, I understand why they did
what they did and am truly grateful,
bless and thankful because they
did for me what I certainly couldn't,
didn't want to do for myself.
To get me the help I so desperately
needed to save my life from destruction
and ending my life.
I rode in the back of that police car
feeling like a criminal, yet I knew I
wouldn't harm a hair on anyone. Not
me. So full of anger and emotions.
That first night I spent in the mental
ward watching others sick, shuffling
across the floor, rocking back and forth,
mumbling, thinking to myself that surely
I wasn't that far gone.
The next day I was evaluated and passed
all mental test then was told that I only
had a drinking problem. WHEW, I said.
It was explained to me about my addiction
to alcohol, which I never thought I had
until it was explained to me that very
day. Then accepted a 2 week stay to
be taught about my addiction and ways
to live without it.
At 2 weeks they could see I wasn't
ready to leave knowing all to well
that if I returned to my home inviroment
still holding onto resentments and
issues I hadn't dealt with, I would
surely drink again and wanted to send
me off to a halfway house further away
from my babies.
With much pleading I asked to stay where
I was and that I would do whatever I needed
to do to be taught and learn about my
addiction along with a recovery program.
I stayed for 28 days with a 6 week outpatient
aftercare program attached to complete my
rehab program.
This happened 26 yrs ago as I approach
27 yrs sober come August 11th.
This journey I have been on has been
filled with many changes in my life.
Many wonderful blessing and gifts
granted as long as I remain sober
incorporating all that was taught to
me a many one days sober ago.
I had to be taught about addiction
and I had to learn healthy ways to
live my life accordingly without
poison.
Wine, that pretty red wine, is nothing
but poison to me. All I see now is a skull
and cross bone on all those bottles today.
It doesnt do me any good to romanticize,
wish, hope that one day I might be able
to drink successfully like others do, because
it never will ever happen.
As I read about others struggling with
addiction some 26 yrs after I entered
recovery, not working, still taking them
down one by one, I know with out a
doubt it never will work for me.
It never has and it never will.
For my new life addiction free today,
I am grateful for what was taught to
me, passed on to me by so many
traveling along the same road as me.
It's not the destination but the journey
of recovery that has gotten me where I
am today. Happy, joyous and free.
