Originally Posted by
LexieCat 
Lundy Bancroft (author of Why Does He DO That?) has written a book called, The Batterer as Parent. It's really for professionals in the field (and priced accordingly--about 50 bucks or so), but much of that book is about how abusive men use the children as pawns or weapons in their campaign against the mothers of those children. The kids are manipulated and the abusive fathers do exactly the kind of crap yours is doing.
I don't know enough about your ex to know whether he's a batterer (which doesn't necessarily involve physical violence), but he sure sounds like a classic batterer-type when it comes to his interactions with you in this context.
He's never been physically violent towards me (or Kid, as far as I know), although his second ex-wife says he hit and pushed her on a few occasions. His mother was physically abusive to him and his sisters.
I'll take a look for that book. It's a bit uncanny how I keep running into people with professional expertise in domestic violence who say that my situation has the hallmarks of a DV situation, even though there has been no physical force. LexieCat is at least the fourth person to make that connection, without any prompting or hints from me.