Yea, for me drinking was like Russian Roulette, like you describe beesy. I could drink ok, I could 'control it', I could have a few drinks and stop ... but then there were times when it just went to hell, with very little or maybe No predictability. Then, it got worse, and 'controlling' it was pure living hell. And the times of NOT controlling it, and the Consequences ...
However, amazing 'consequence' ... it is all described Exact & Precise in the Big Book of AA. The descent into Pitiful & Incomprehensible Demoralization ... the awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen - Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair.
And, the Solution is described Exact & Precise also. It works. Now I am living on the Miracle side of the Program.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW U Can B 2