Hello and welcome. I'm so glad you posted.
Your story is not unlike mine.
I binge drank for ten years. Your post reminds me of the crippling anxiety, depression and remorse I also suffered after a binge. Sometimes the binges lasted three days. All day and all night until I passed out then reached for the dregs of the bottle from the night before.
It gets worse. I became an every day drinker with few beaks in between.
I could no longer convince myself that I could ever drink normally.
All seemed lost. So why bother to even try to have just a few? It was all I could drink. Every day.
I also work in a profession where drinking is not only excepted, but encouraged. It's tough. But after awhile, my coworkers realized I was a non drinker. It was no big deal to them that I quit. They were concerned with the party and their drinking.
It was a relief to me.
Personally, I found AA and found people there just like me. We had little else in common except a desire to quit drinking.
It took me awhile, but slowly I made the commitment to stop.
It's been over six years now since this seemingly hopeless drunk has had a drink.
I sincerely hope you can stop and not reach the lows I did. And believe me, you can. I've seen it happen to many.
Best to you. And it may be time to take action. I wish you the best.