Welcome to the SR community, Hill- a safe and supportive community. Aside of using your own thread- there are many good ones- for checking in (24), getting a group to identify with (perhaps for you 'Class of July 2017?), laughing (the lighter side) and just venting your spleen (Whiner's). There is also a lot of very useful info in the Sticky's bit.
I was a tenured academic- and had just got into a doctorate program and felt the environment I was in contributed to my drinking- which was bad. I did not move to a different country, but I did leave that town and moved to our capital (Adelaide), built a house, had nice stuff- a new start. Nope the drinking followed me. It is referred to as doing a 'geographical'. It occurred to me that everything I had set out to get- while drinking so much took the value out of it. Academics are a bitchy lot- who covet their professional reputations and carry the 'publish or perish' bit to absurd lengths at times. My drinking got a lot worse over the years, until Aug 2015 because of alcohol- I quite literally burnt myself to death. Only with my tenacious spark to live along with a serious of 'lucky' happenings and science am I alive. From that day I lost my home (not damage in burns), partner, any chance of career, the respect and contact with my 2 adult sons..blah- plus homelessness (not welcome in my dream castle) and more blah. I am now 18 months sober in a safe place and doing more with my life and am healthier than I was ever- well ever..
I cannot drink. It took that much to work this out. I even had an academic boss who did not believe in alcoholism (he was a 'sociologist') and told me to do the controlled drinking. To accept drinking is not on the table is a strong and courageous thing to do. If we know the weaknesses in our defences- we can improve on that awareness and heal. As well as this- I got depression and a folio of mental health issues. I would suggest a few things to you.
- See a doctor and be HONEST (no little white lies) and get a physical and find out about your depression
- go to AA/SMART meetings- treat it like an academic abstract.
- get a professional counsellor and perhaps a psychologist.
- Write stuff down- lots. Every seemingly pointless thought, feeling. It is a useful tool.
- Post here lots, especially when you do not want to.
- Make a plan for your sobriety, much like you would for a research grant. What you will need, how to do it, track it- blah. Will power does not work. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
If you have any booze at home- pour it out. Avoid being near it..at academic stuff, say you are on antibiotics or something- and PLAN for each and every function what you will do, including a safe way out (a plan B). Control what you can- yourself. Reignite the spark you have in doing your phD. I am well aware of the pressure that comes to bear. You will find it so much more enjoyable. I pulled out of mine- believing myself hopeless and drank. To get to this elite level of study is a remarkable achievement which you should be proud of.
Addiction defies logic and rational though and cannot be analysed as such.
For me- I cannot drink. With help I am beginning to understand why, but all the answers in the world did not stop me drinking, so powerful is the nature of addiction. Keep your hope- because that is the well spring of life, but do not just hope or wish stuff will get better- you need to do something about this for yourself. Not for your husband- but for yourself.
Empathy and support and prayers (such as they are) and compassion to you. Keep looking, reading, sharing, posting and MOVING on with doing recovery stuff.
PJ (:-)>