No where near a Newcomer..
Where do I start?
I happened to see the other day, I joined this site 5 years ago. I'm sure back then, I wanted to quit just as much as I do right now. I'm 100% sure I had that exact feeling, out of the thousand times I've been drunk since then... Here I am again writing the desperate cry for help.
I just cant quit.. It's been and I'm embarrassed to say, going to be the 18th year I have drank insane amounts. I cant say exactly what my week to week average is over the 18 years.
My parents told me I was allergic to alcohol since I was 14. We were in Puerto Vallarta on our first family trip to Mexico, I brought my best friend.. I had been to parties as a teen, but never drank "knowing" I was alergic, due to what my parents said "Having menengitis as a 1 1/2 year old and almost dying. Well, my friends always said it was BS, but I never drank. Here in Puerto Vallarta the tradition is to take a shot before anything you do. I told my Dad, I can't and I was so worried about it.. He had this smirk on his face, and I could tell he was hiding something...
Sure enough, he told me I was always able to drink, but they didnt want me drinking because of the alcoholism that runs in my family.. So I proceeded to get wasted in Mexico that night. It was the funnest time of my life, I felt like I was invincible, I'm a good looking guy, but I am shy. Not that night, and I was like wow alcohol makes me the star of the party.
Skip forward 6 yeas, I am getting a divorce after only 8 months of marriage.. Skip forward a few years and I am breaking up with my fiance because of a crazy night that landed me in jail.
Go sober which was court ordered, 1 year and when I tested clean they took me off UA, back to drinking and I have ever since. 35 1/2 years old today and I drink every 3 days on average, if not 2 days, I drink 8-18 drinks, beer is what I drink.
I have GI issues like crazy! I went to the ER at least 6 times last year, thinking I was having a heart attack.. It wasn't, it was Acid reflux and GERD caused by drinking... I had Gastritis for 8 months as well.. I always was prone to anxiety attacks, well I have one most times I am hungover or I wake up at 4am, with such bad gas and just feeling like i am going to die.. then I finally get back to sleep, I wake up feeling better but still hungover and by 12 pm I feel somewhat ok, so I drink again.
I am a full time student, I went back to school last year. I am not working though, and I hold a 3.0 gpa but I spent days off from school drinking, then I crunch to get my school work done.. fast forward to now, I have been off all summer and everyday is an opportunity to drink, I try to fight it.. I get so bored and the days I force my self to be sober are the most boring days of my life.. I don't know what to do with myself all day, I want to jump out of my skin.. the days i convince myself to drink are better, the hours go by quickly and I keep myself busy with drinking and video games, it makes me feel like I have a propose for the day.
My parents are losing their minds, my current girlfriend is too.. they love me, they stick with me over and over.. I let them down over and over. I am 35 almost 36 and I really want to quit, I battle myself more than ever, I just can't overcome that drunk voice in my head that convinces me to drink.. I can go 2 weeks (at most!) but I cave..