Hey Jeff
Hope you're doing better this morning. Well, I hate those pesky feelings too. Manage most of the time not to have many....that's probably not good. Oh well, add it to the list.
Point is, you came here. You expressed yourself, quite well. You didn't run away and hide. To me, that is huge. The other day I was getting a new HVAC and couldn't leave the house. Couldn't do my normal, anxiety quelling amount of exercise. I was like a caged animal. So I started going through drawers in the kitchen, organizing. I found a few cards from my exbf. The only guy I've dated since my hub died. The relationship I nuked with my drinking. Now I've convinced myself (and not without merit) that this guy wasn't right for me, etc. And he wasn't. But I did love him, a lot. And the break up tore me apart. The cards brought up ALL the feelings of sadness, regret, shame, anger, heart break, fear, loneliness...well you name it. I felt it. It was raw and angry and it wouldn't let up. What did I do? I sat in it. I haven't wanted to drink that badly since, well, the last time I drank. I talked myself through it, but for every thought of 'you know how this will turn out', 'you'll end up in hell', I thought ' go to the liquor and get some booze'. It wasn't a craving per se, those pass and usually pretty fast. It was pure pain and it was rough. Did I talk to someone? Nope. Did I come here? Nope. So I'm envious. You came here, you talked about it, and hopefully you didn't drink.
After a couple of hours I felt better, as I always do. The next day I was SO relieved I didn't drink. Maybe someday I'll actually lean on someone or something else when these moments arise.
Thinking of you.