I feel for you. I've very little family ..basically 3 sons, one I hardly see, and one daughter. My other 4 kids don't speak after life with exah. My mum died last year. I had a terrible childhood and protected my sisters from the worst of what went on but I just found out today one got married last week and didn't invite me. I saw the photos on a public post on facebook. All the family were there but me. I also worry what people think and have wondered at times if it's me. I do my best for people but it never seems to be enough. The same sisters text me saying they wouldn't have coped without me as children but they exclude me in hurtful ways.
Am pretty much alone too. No support network so when things go wrong it gets very tricky. I look after my autistic sons alone. I don't even know our neighbours to ask them for help as I live in flatland where people rent short term and move on. I've no answers to this. I am very independent but yes it is lonely. Am already dreading Christmas too. It's either do yet more voluntary work over Christmas...seems thats only time am wanted...or sit at home alone.
Yesterday I sat at a sporting event and watched partners bringing there wives drinks, stroking their hair and hugging them, wrapping them in blankets when they got cold and I realised I've never had that ever. My exah would have been propping up the bar. My exbf was being abusive to me at that point in time. I get the feeling like a lonely kid again cos that's how it made me feel too.
I know it doesn't help really but you are not alone feeling how you do xxx