Another layer of grief
Hi everyone! Hope the summer has been treating you well. I was doing great until I met someone a couple months ago that seems to really trigger me…
I couldn’t figure out why this person made me feel so badly about myself but I realized it’s because he’s such a stark contrast to my life. He gets to travel a lot for work, he’s really close to his family and he always seems to be doing something. When he tells me of his plans I get these awful pangs of jealousy… and when I look deeper into it it’s because I am still grieving the loss of my childhood and the family life that I never had.
It hurts so bad when I see people have lives that appear to have so much support. I can’t ignore that I don’t have much of a “built in” support system that these people seem to have… and it makes me feel very insecure because I don’t want new people to think there is something wrong with me when I tell them that I not close to any member of my family… at all. Not one.
It’s not the life I wanted and it is so very painful. This feeling definitely goes wayyy back and I am finally dealing with it now. The problem is that I don’t really know how… such a deep sense of loneliness and loss. It’s like I am flashing back to when I was a kid and neither of my parents were around. It’s kind of amazing actually that I was able to bury this feeling for so long. I really do feel like a kid again. It makes me even more sad to know that I was feeling like this as a child. I forgot how much I suffered a kid.
I just want to get through this already.