Hi lunalovegood85, (love your name by the way
)
So sorry for what you're going through, but I'm glad you found SR. You'll find a lot of support here.
I agree with SparkleKitty about trying to detach. It's not that you're abandoning your husband, you're just trying to maintain some distance for your own well-being.
In my case, if my husband had a bad day, I had a bad day too. If he had a good day, I had a good day too. Even though we were married, I was way too dependent on him and that was not a healthy situation. Instead of trying to figure out what he was doing, what type of mood he was in, what to expect from him....I just started to take a step back and focus on me, whether that meant working on home projects, going for a walk, reading a book, coffee with a friend, etc. In other words, I didn't want my world to revolve around him and his addiction because that just led to a lot of misery.
It sounds like your husband is not ready to admit how serious the problem is and if he won't admit it, it'll be very hard for him to work on his recovery. The support here at SR meant the world to me, but I also attended meetings and that was also very helpful. Most of the time I wouldn't say anything at these meetings, I would just listen (I'm very shy). It helped to know that I was not alone in this type of situation or crazy like I was starting to believe. It was not normal to have such a toxic marriage and I wasn't wrong for wanting a partner who would be there for me and who I could trust.
Sending you a big hug and hoping that things get better for you soon.