Hello, Andagain. This is a great place for advice and support and I am glad you are here. I guarantee that if you don't drink again things will get better. I well know the feeling of buying a 4-pack of 16oz high-alcohol ales to guzzle before work in the morning and seeing the knowing eyes of the clerk. I was so far gone I didn't care, though. It was a demoralizing, hellish existence and I cherish my 19 months of sobriety. Wishing you all the best in your sober journey.