Thank you for the replies.
I thought Id wait a while before updating, but there is nothing to report in terms of what the empty pen was about. No red flags during any of the times we have been together since then, no red flags noted from my brother or other family members. Hopefully it was nothing, but I guess I will always be sensitive and pay attention when I see something out of the ordinary. There are a lot of bad memories, and they are fading but its funny how seeing an object can revive them quickly. Im sure a lot of others can relate to that.
I had an appointment last week, and my bloodwork was better, and the ultrasound looked good. Im feeling some relief, much gratitude, but also still dealing with fear something will change again. At least Im getting a lot of extra testing and I know Im in good hands.
One other thing I wanted to address, since its been mentioned by members here when I post on my own threads, and in regards to other people when I share on their threads .... Ive been told Im not upset enough, I minimize, Im not angry enough, and I seem too detached.
No, Im not taking any calming medication, antidepressants or anything that is affecting me.
I have been practicing mindfulness techniques, and I journal a lot.
In my work, I have been trained to look at the facts, to get the big picture, to not make a lot of assumptions, or to act based on emotion. Now that I am out of the whirlwind of crazy when my husband was deep in his addiction - I think I am able to fall back on this again. I think in a way it may come across to some, as my being emotionally detached, lacking/suppressing anger, or minimizing. Im not really sure?
Im also much more a glass half full type of person. I try to focus on the good, the positive, and the things Im doing to fill the glass up instead of focusing on everything that is now gone from the glass.
And I dont mean to offend anyone, but I think because I look at substance abuse as a medical issue, and not a choice.. it helps remove a lot of anger, and maybe even fear. I know it can be treated successfully, but that its a complex problem that has a lot of underlying issues attached. I put as much emphasis on the treatment he uses being effective/adequate to meet his specific needs, as I do to my husbands own efforts.
Understanding that I dont have to be angry in order to make healthy decisions for myself is very freeing. Its ok for me to accept he has these issues, and its just part of who he is. They may be healed, they may flare up again, or things could get really bad like last year. I can have compassion for what he's going through, and still make choices based on what I need and want for my life.
When I started therapy last year. My feelings, recounts of events were not met with responses of shock, drama, or anger. They were met with calm, explanation of facts regarding addiction and its symptoms, my feelings were given validity, and the whole process of calm just helped me center myself. So when I post to others I try to do the same, and I try not to add in too many of my own assumptions about their situation. Back to my training of facts and big picture I guess.
Ive also been working at all of this for over a year now, and Ive dealt with a lot of the emotions and come to a place of acceptance and forgiveness. Other things like the cheating happened a while back but its only been a couple of months since I found out, and its not something Ive fully worked through. We did start Christian marriage counseling last week, and it was great. I personally have a lot of respect for the bonds of marriage, and so for me, and for my husband I think this is a good route for us to take right now. Im hoping it will help me answer many of the questions I have, and also help me better understand my husbands heart in this matter. We are going to go weekly for a while.
Thanks for you support, and your prayers. I hope this explains the detachment/minimizing issue. I doubt it, but I tried. I dont mind people asking me questions or expressing concerns as long as its coming from a good place.