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Hi all,
My name is Adam. I am in my mid 30s and am looking to get permanently sober. My drinking history goes a little like this:
I drank nothing until I got to college, at which point I learned that drinking alcohol could remove all of my fears, my anxiety, and my inhibitions. From a frighteningly early age, drinking was less about partying and more about feeling "normal" inside. I just wanted to feel okay, and not a mess of nerves.
I drank a lot in my 20s, going through periods where regular blackouts were common. I was never an angry or belligerent drunk, but grew to hate how much I relied on booze, how many stupid things I said and did, and how much harm I was causing to my body. My father and half brother died of cirrhosis, and I do not want to follow in footsteps.
When I turned 30, I started going to AA meetings and was sober for six months. I eventually became a more "socially acceptable" drinker. I haven't blacked out in years, and I don't get "drunk" anymore, but I still default to drinking when I'm happy, sad, anxious, bored, or any other emotion. The truth is, it's hard for me to imagine life without booze filling all those holes. And yet, that's what I need to do.
The hurdles I face are 1. My own brain, that tries to convince me that I don't have a drinking problem, despite the evidence to the contrary. 2. My secrecy, which has largely hidden my drinking from everyone I know, including my wife, who does not think I have a drinking problem. 3. My ego, which persuades me that I can stop on my own.
In reality, I need other people. I need to find ways to connect with my higher power. And I need to start from the beginning. Intellectually, I know what steps I need to take. It's the doing and following through that I need to make happen.
So, that's where I am. Thank you all for being here.
-A