Hi Chilledice,
Sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. I had a lot of shame and guilt that was eating me up. I found some very helpful self-forgiveness guided meditations online and using them I have been able to come to a kind of acceptance about my shameful actions and am beginning to forgive myself. What I do know is that I will never have to go through this painful experience again because of alcohol.
Wishing you well x