I'm desperately hoping that soon you can start to forgive yourself for "vile" actions you may have committed while drunk. Obviously they can't be erased, and probably not forgotten...but they can be forgiven, and you can vow to yourself that they won't ever happen again, by looking forward to some sober time. The future is the only direction where we have any influence...
Thinking of you this afternoon, wishing you some peace,
Arp