It sounds like quite a bad night.
Do you think you need to quit completely? One of your sentences struck me the most, "....[if I'm not...] then I have to focus on recovery work."
For me, making "recovery work" the foundation of my life is freeing - allowing me to do everything else bc it comes first, in principle and in practice. It's not really work- it's dedicated effort to build a life I want and protect dearly.
Have you considered AA? I hear a lot of turmoil and struggle and hope you can sort through it enough to get started and give sobriety a real chance.