I was in Hell!!!
I started off drinking in my early teens to fit in and be like my friends. The difference was even back then they behaved differently from me, I changed as soon as alcohol passed my lips. By age 15 I was in care and had lost several members of my family due to alcohol, but I still drank and I must admit I put myself into some seriously shocking dangerous situations by 16. By 18 I was pregnant to a guy 16 years older who had many of his own issues. He became violent pretty much when my daughter was born and I used alcohol to block it out (tell him how I felt). It took hold of me years ago I believe, and now that daughter is going to high school and through my drunken outbursts at their father, I lost my kids to local authority care 2 years ago. I tried recovery many times before I lost my kids, but I was never happy, cause I didn't want to be sober, and didn't know how to be.
I am trying now more than ever, as the pain got so bad I knew if i didn't then I'd not be here to tell the tale, as I didn't want to live, but I didn't want to die. I think back of all the bottles i hid,( even the one I lost when I hid it in the washing machine and had turned it on and was puzzled to where it was) I feel so ashamed as if I had put half the effort into staying sober as I did getting drunk I would never be in the position I am now. I lost 3 children to this evil, and it's always going to be this that is my biggest hurdle in soberity, my worst day sober is still better than my best day drunk. No more dodgy situations, no more police, no more ex and as long as I don't drink then no more pain.