Originally Posted by honeypig

Jlynn, I'd suggest Alanon for both you and your kids (perhaps Alateen for them if you can find a group). I know you said you tried it and it "left you more bummed out than before." That, to me, doesn't speak of a very healthy group.
Can you explain why this was the case, or what about the meeting made you feel worse?

Also, trying several different groups is generally recommended. They can indeed vary widely, and in fact there was quite a bit of discussion in another thread where the OP mentioned that she was tired of "the same conversation" every time and no real structure or use of the Steps in the meeting she attended. Some of us who've found Alanon useful also suggested to her that she try some different meetings.

While there is a general Alanon format and official Alanon literature that is usually used, each meeting is made up of individuals who have at least some latitude in how they run their meeting. If the format, structure and topics of the meetings aren't helping, try some other meetings. I've found that the meeting at the most convenient time and place for me isn't always the one that turns out to be the most useful.

For instance, I work what is essentially a 3rd shift job, delivering for a bakery, so daytime meetings are by far the best bet for me. Unfortunately, I don't find a lot of meetings between 10 AM and 2 PM in my area, which is my best window for attending, and of those I do find, many are small (I like a somewhat larger group for its diversity) and many are primarily older women whose focus is mostly on continuing to live with an active A rather than getting out and making a life for themselves. That's fine; those are the times and ideas they grew up with. However, they are not mine. And while there is plenty I can still learn from these folks, it isn't the most useful meeting I can go to. Since I don't have unlimited time, I need to find the BEST meeting or two for ME--most bang for the buck. And that may entail staying up later than I really want to or rushing to get off of work to make the meeting or giving up some weekend time when I'd rather just hang out at home.

I hope I haven't wandered too far afield, but I was trying to reply to your question about what to tell your sons. Alanon would be a way for them to be educated and supported while forming their own opinions and ideas; both of them are old enough to do so, I think.