Thank you to all of the replies!
I'm going to spend more time focusing on trying to sniff out any lies I am telling myself which seems to be the consensus here. The reason I brought up lies is because I've been single for a long time. I never had any accountability, thus no need to lie. Before my body gave out I was high functioning and quite successful in my career.
As previously stated I still have quite the challenge trying to accept that I have to push down my own personal beliefs to accept something I don't feel (faith). I've tried believing quite hard and was told I was going to burn if I didn't do it the right way growing up. I struggled many years trying to reconcile my inability to get my gut feelings on the same page of what I was being told was True. In IOPE I almost did an about face when I saw the 12 steps on the wall. By that point I was so low it didn't matter though. I knew MY way wasn't working anymore. I gave it a really good shot trying to define a Higher Power as they had us write journal entries every Tuesday. Still not sure here though.
I know that my life is incompatible with alcohol. I know that I've crossed a bridge that crumbled behind me. My addiction is progressive and there is no turning back. Normal relapses I don't stop. I will drink nonstop until I am too weak to crawl to the liquor store anymore and end up calling 911 severely dehydrated, broken.
Pre-IOPE I thought I was weak, pathetic but I learned the science, genetic pre-disposition, took ACEs/DSM-5, learned many things. The DBT skills have been invaluable for my recovery. Things that used to feel impossible become possible using opposite action. Good stuff!
Right this moment I know that there's a big part of me that doesn't ever want to give up alcohol. That's why I'm here. I know when my limbic center isn't in control that I do want to live long term, thus need to squash this thought process.
After getting clean I really loved waking up everyday without radiating pain splitting my body in half. Puking several times a day, worrying about supply, living like a base animal.
I'm still trying to build a quality of life that I do not want to lose. Just about every moment of my life now is better than before it was when using, albeit sometimes it's hard being present 24/7. Again, I need to work on this attitude and replace struggle with gratitude.
The problem is I become overwhelmed and also want to turn off for a while. It's so easy, natural, automatic. I've felt that for a while but I usually beat the urge using distraction or crisis management. After talking with my daughter about why I've been missing the last year and a half is when I relapsed (the day after). The pain I've caused the poor child, it's hard to accept yet alone forgive myself. Now my brain has decided that it can get away with sneaking drinks on Saturdays because I don't have accountability there. This is the immediate crisis I'm in. Telling myself NO MORE. I cannot get away with this and it will not work!
Sorry for the rambling. I think I need to spend more effort into studying recovery work, mix in more low-effort rewards along with my long-term goals so I don't feel the need to run away, and hopefully some community from the kind people on this forum.
Have a lovely day all