ButtersTheBrave

I'm not really a newcomer to recovery, but perhaps I am? I've been quitting drinking for the last 7 years. I've been serious about quitting since April 2016 when my liver was failing. I've tried AA (but I'm not religious), SMART Recovery, IOPE, have gone thru detox twice, and have been hospitalized 7 times because of hepatic impairment (jaundiced)/pancreatitis. I managed to do this to myself all within the last 8 years of my first drink.

I know right now that I have re-kindled the dopamine-glutamate hyper-memory from drinking. I want the cravings to go away. It's odd because I am on naltrexone and I'm still having cravings even though alcohol doesn't give me the euphoria. My life has been gaining momentum towards happiness and for some reason my brain is screaming with everything it has to destroy my success.

Feeling alone and frustrated. I make it to around 100 days (which I've done 3 times now) and feel the world become a scary place again and escape reality with my drug of choice. Even with all of my knowledge of how this disease works, my triggers, my support group, I can't seem to find a way to live with my own self long-term. Worse, I've become a liar. I have absolutely no problem with lying to anyone and everyone I care about to protect my supply. It's repulsive and more than that, terrifying.

Anyone feel this way?

Thanks