Kaneda,
Thank you for the kind words. Its good to hear that my past sober self was helpful. Warms my heart. I remember you. It is so good to read of what you have been going through and that you are sober.
Yes, I can imagine going through the gamut of emotions and changes. Giving ourselves the time to heal and learn about all the things that make us "tick". I experienced this myself last night. Fear. Fear that the alcohol will return into my life and I wont have the courage or enough of a guard to walk away. Fear that I will constantly battle with alcoholism, think about alcoholism, talk about alcoholism, recovering from alcoholism and never truly recover from my own alcoholism.......the despair in all of that.
Im a little run down this morning from the release of my emotions last night. Thankfully my "structured" nightly events soothed me. Taking a bath with essential oils and breathing was a godsend. I thought to myself "This is why you have this structure. It is moments like this that the structure of a bath will be comforting and healing" ..........I can smile right now knowing that I have set myself up to succeed.
Pillars in life. Yes. This word. The actions that are taken to hold yourself up. The foundation. I get that. I resonate with that. I get to find out what will be my pillars and I have a thought they will be very similar to yours.
Pillar #1 Exercise
Pillar #2 Belief system
Pillar #3 Prayer ( its not to any god or gods but to be grateful everyday. I practice gratitude as much as possible. To appreciate what I have and to walk knowing that I have enough. Everything I need is here)
I have a very large Buddha statue that sits in my yard. Ho Tai. Prosperity Buddha. Not Buddha at all but a monk. ( I need to learn more about this statue) He was gifted to me when my sister passed. He lived in the backyard of the house where she lived. During her illness, I would go outside, the yard in complete wreckage, and sit with him. Talk to him and be thankful that I had those few moments to breathe in and out. Taking in the stillness.
When we cleaned out the house, after her passing, the U-haul did not have a ramp to roll him up. The scene: Two people in the pouring rain trying to push a couple hundred pounds of concrete up the back of a truck. The Buddha smiling at me the whole time. I was crying and laughing and angry. Complete grief. This effing statue was going in that truck no matter what. It took awhile. One person laying down and pulling. The other person (me) pushing and cussing and pretending to be Rambo. It is a memory that I will never forget.
Yes, running can be an addiction and I suffer from my own OCD when it comes to running. This time around, as I am not injured, I am making sure to take care of myself in a
gentle way. Not pushing myself too far. Not expecting a certain amount of mileage each week. In the past I went overboard. Obsessive. I watch the thoughts roll in and out about mileage. About how much and how fast and and and.......
Im learning here. I am growing here. That is the point. My time here is precious and I want to look back on it all and know that I did the work.
And that work will change as I embark down this road of sobriety. I have a lot of healing to do. Trauma. Thoughts that dont serve a purpose but to only keep me in a place of turmoil. A Lot OF Work!
Thank you for all your words. I may have gotten off topic but that may be what this thread is for.