thanks Anna.
I keep reading about letting go, surrendering, turning my will over, etc.
I KNOW I need to stop trying to control things. I'm pretty sure a big part of my drinking was in order to dramatically fall apart in public so that someone would rescue me - it's one of the ways I feel loved. Pretty much the only way. Now I need to rescue myself.
Letting go though. Like - intellectually, I get it. Emotionally - I have NO IDEA now to do that.
Today I have something to let go of - well, a couple of things. Someone at work asked me a hard question in public. I felt a bit incompetent and humiliated. I've been internally raging over it and turning it over and over in my mind ever since. This person won't have given me a second thought - I'm sure - and there was no malice in their question. But I'm STILL mulling it over and having imaginary conversations with them in my head, where they are an idiot and unreasonable and I rein supreme with my wit and cleverness. I'm not comfy admitting that, but there it is.
The other thing I need to let go off is hurt. My husband is distant. I want him to hold me and pet me and say he's proud of me. Most nights he avoids me, sits in a different room, and chooses to sleep elsewhere. I could cry or say I was sick or pick a fight to get some attention or interaction. It's always worked in the past. But I have to accept he can make his own decisions, I need to respect them, nobody owes me affection, and then stop being angry at him because he isn't acting how I want him to act. I don't like that.
How to let go? Like, literally, if there is someone reading this who can give instructions for an idiot. I am willing.