shortrows

Hey everyone

I have been reading for a while but just signed up to post today.

I stopped drinking around one year ago, but had a pretty horrible relapse - a two day binge - at the start of this year. Haven't picked up since. And I was MISERABLE.

I've been to AA three times in the last three weeks (one meeting a week) and this week reached out and texted a woman in the programme who gave me her number. She was really great, and recommended that I read Living Sober, which I am slowly working through.

I like the meetings so far. I like sitting there with people who I can see are like me. I like not feeling like the only one in the world whose brain works like this. I like seeing the ability of others to laugh at themselves, to be kind and honest about themselves, and to be kind and honest with each other. I can't say I have ever seen that happening between a group of people before.

I am not drinking currently but I know my mind. I KNOW that not-drinking is the tip of the iceberg and that I need to do something to sort my head out. As the fog has cleared, these past few months, I've begun to notice what a selfish, controlling, terrified nature I have. I've begun to see that I have this huge, gaping void of craving inside me - and I am scared of it. I think I will drink again - and the next time I drink, or the time after that, I am going to drink myself to death. I don't want that. I REALLY don't want that.

I want to do the work. I want to do the steps. I have been working with a therapist these past few months (she convinced me to try AA) and she's pointed out that I've already taken step one with her: I know I am powerless over alcohol. I know if I pick up one drink, I will drink to the point of unconsciousness. I know that one day, I am going to pick up that first drink unless I do something to sort out my head and heart.

I'm guessing the work is going to be uncomfortable and painful. I think and hope I'm prepared for that - I keep thinking to myself, 'well, if you don't like AA or it doesn't work for you, you can always go back to being a drunk - nobody is stopping you' - and the thought is comforting and terrifying in equal measure. I'm scared that when I start looking really hard at myself I am going to be crushed: that I won't like what I see.

I'm lonely. I am really, really lonely. My marriage is in tatters: partly because of my actions - absolutely - and partly because, for reasons of my own, I chose someone so emotionally withholding it stuns me sometimes. I have superficial friendships and my children - because of my behaviour and emotional withdrawal from them during my drinking - are distant from me. I'm not sure I have the support I need - the help and care and encouragement - to take that long hard horrible look at myself.

But I need to. I know I do. If I don't, I will drink again, and if I drink again, I will probably die.

So I think that counts as me being ready. Or of the two choices I have: drinking and finding a programme, I want to find a programme.

Can anyone give me some additional advice?

I've got to be honest with you here too: I am looking for encouragement. My husband says, 'you shouldn't expect a medal for being sober and trying to act like a basically decent human being' and I say, 'yes, I know, you're right,' but I also think, in my heart, 'YES, I do want a frigging medal!'