Hey guys....
So, I just got into a huge fight with my mom and now all I want to do is get high, So much I can't even express it. I came here to write about it in the hopes I can make it through this without using, but now I find I don't have the words to even say how I'm feeling. I am so tired of always being the bad one, the wrong one. I mean, I know stuff is my fault. But why can't anything ever be just a little bit her mistake?? And she plays these stupid head games with me and my bro, and I don't understand why. My bro and I are finally starting to get along, and here comes my mom with her victim mentality, making it look like I am the one verbally abusing her when it's really the other way around. My mom pushes all my buttons, and then waits for me to explode. Which I always do cuz I get so mad and can't control my temper. Then she runs to my bro and tells him how mean I am to her. God, it's so irritating.
She hasn't said anything about being proud of me for what I have accomplished so far. And she's embarrassed by me and my addiction. I never even told her I finished step one and how things are going at NA, which isn't good. I am lonely and depressed and I really just need her to be here for me. Like just be a MOM for once and not play any ******** games. I am so tired and I am struggling hard to find some sort of peace and balance in my life, which is really hard when I am always so emotionally all over the place.
I think part of the issue is I start to see myself in a little better light, start to feel like I am doing better, that I got this. Then my mom comes along and reminds me that I am a flake, a loser, and how unnoticed and unwanted I am. She doesn't exactly say those things. Well, sometimes. Mostly, it's just the WAY she treats me, her attitude towards me, that makes me feel like that.
You know, I realize now that I was under the impression that once I quit getting high and got over the worst of the wds, that my life would suddenly just come together. That I would magically be able to fix things. That the person I want to be, that I imagine in my head I could be, would suddenly appear. Without any real work or effort. Like in the movies. God, I am so so so stupid. Now here I am, sober and everything has changed. And yet nothing has changed. So, I want to get high. Wasted. Make it all go away for a while. Especially that negative, hurtful voice in my head which I have only just discovered is actually my mom's voice. I want to drown it out. I want to escape.
I guess I am done venting for now. And it looks like I found some words after all. I am going to go to bed and read for a while. Try to take my mind off the cravings which are really super intense right now. If I can get through right now without giving in, I will consider that a huge accomplishment. And a huge learning curve, too.
Thanks for 'listening'.
Love you guys.