Originally Posted by
BFT 
Well, I would not grumble at him because I would just take it as a fact. I am well aware that I would not be able to change anything about it and so I am kind of indifferent of the fact itself. On the other hand, I don't want to hurt a person who means something to me and who I like. If it happens he will hate himself so much that there will be no need for another person making him feel even worse and I don't want to be that person.
I took a radical acceptance approach with my XABF and never once admonished him about his drinking. I was the one person who knew when he was drinking (yes, he was able to hide it from his family and friends) and I knew how much - and it got to be a
lot. We never got into judgement of each other and I never monitored his drinking. For me, it was never about the alcohol, it was about my experience in the relationship. For awhile, the open-heart policy was a beautiful thing. I always felt special with him and indeed I was/am. But slowly, i had to take a difficult look at myself and question why I was so drawn to an alcoholic. He is irresistible to me in every way. So I went to Al-Anon and there I started learning about myself. My point being: in my view, as those who love an alcoholic, sober or drinking, we do ourselves and our A no good when we focus on the presence or absence of the liquor. Our evaluation of the relationship should always be based on our experience in the relationship. When we focus on number of drinks, or presence of alcohol, we are missing the whole point of a love relationship (whatever kind of love it is.) The point of a love relationship is to love. Pure and simple. If we are not feeling "the love," if we are instead feeling overwhelmed by fear, resentment, confusion, anger, guilt, then we need to seriously evaluate why we are in that relationship. It's not, to me, about relapses and number of drinks, it's about whether I feel that this is a relationship that is loving. I know "loving" when I'm in it and I know when it's mostly not there.
Also, I've learned that "being there for someone" isn't a good thing to base a relationship on. I broke up with my BF for many reasons, the least of which was that I increasingly felt that he just wasn't a person who was equal to me in the ability to be there. As I learned more about alcoholism, I came to learn why this was so. Again, it wasn't ever his drinking that was any issue, it was him. Drinking or sober, a good partner (for me) is present for the other in a big way. Evaluate the relationship, not the drinking.