Joyinlife,
I'm so sorry you are having a hard day. I'd say find your Joy in life today! Maybe write a list of some things that would make you feel great, spoil yourself with a long bubble bath or whatever to make yourself feel good. Make the decision that today is going to be a good day regardless of what anyone else does. I try to remind myself that my life is not anyone elses, I'm going to be happy that's my choice for just right now. Having someone come home drunk is a pain and makes me feel so alone when that happens. Actually, I came home from work the other day to one, I decided right then and there that he wasn't going to ruin my day. Ran to my bathtub and bubbled it up and started singing until the panic/anger decided to leave me. Yup, I looked like a total idiot just enough that I cracked myself up...had to...
Honestly, I would feel like crying to, and if that makes you feel better do it. If you are mourning this relationship, that is what you have to do. Sounds like your feelings are in a knot to me, confused etc. I've been there several times... I'm just saying put yourself first, confusion is normal for people dealing with active alcoholics and don't beat yourself up for that.
I wish I could say something to fix you up right this moment, I really feel your pain.
I'll be praying for you to have a good day,
~FaithChaser