I've tried to quit countless times and struggled through the "oh poor me, I can't..." stuff. This time, something has switched. I'm no longer seeing it as being deprived, but "choosing" to be better, stronger, healthier and somehow able to clearly see -- and for the first time truly believe -- that I can glamorize it all I want, but it's poison and was ruining my life.
It may sound lovely to sit on a porch and drink whiskey, but it's a lie. It was not making your relationship with your dad stronger, it was making you less present with him. You can still sit on the porch with him but be aware, healthy and your true self while doing it.
Just pouring this out .. it's not written the best. But wanted to reach out and try to help. Be excited about the new life you have ahead; don't feel sorry about losing something that was nothing but misery and a downward spiral for you and all the people around you!